Many years of my life were spent in some serious shame. Shame of who I was. Shame of what had been done to me. Shame of the way I dealt with the pain inside this little heart. Shame of not being capable to change myself. Shame from the addictions that kept me prisoner to a life that I knew deep within me wasn’t what I was here for.

And then. Jesus.

It’s been about four years that I’ve been sober and want to share with you the lessons I’ve learned from God in this season that it might strengthen your own journey!

I became a believer at a really low and dark place in my life. I was ready to call it quits and I knew that even though I had pretended to be a “Good Christian” for many years, I truly hadn’t really given my faith and heart to Jesus. I knew that he was my last resort. I’d tried everything else and nothing helped my situation, so I surrendered.

I prayed,

“God I know that I don’t know who you are. I can’t even say that I believe that you are who you say. I’m sorry I don’t have faith in you or even know how to. But if you have a life for me that doesn’t replicate my past, I want that. I want to follow you. Jesus. I confess all of my sin that separates me from you. I’ll be honest, it’s hard to understand your word sometimes, but I want to read it, so will you help me? I surrender my whole life and dreams to you God and ask that you’d show me, Jesus, how to have faith in you. I pray that your will be done in my life and that you help me heal. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.”

This prayer, although maybe a little different because I might not remember verbatim, changed my entire life. I surrendered at one of the darkest moments of my life and God met me right where I was. He showed me that I couldn’t fix myself, but that HE had the power to do more than just fix me. He showed me he didn’t just want my obedience, he wanted my HEART. He desired to have a relationship with me. I began to read more of my bible and discovered the medicine and encouragement my soul had been craving. He showed me that when I grasped a little bit of his unconditional and steadfast love, I would want to change my behaviour. That obedience to him would come naturally as I focused on learning how to love and be loved. He’s shown me that even now as I’ve walked with him for seven years, I still make many mistakes and the sign that I’m maturing as a Christian is that I repent quicker and more often! He has shown me that living a life of purpose is possible and that I am his beloved whom he wants to bless. He has shown me that my pain matters to him and he has walked all of my hardships with me and will use all of it all for my good. He has shown me there is nothing I can do to lose or gain his love. He has shown me mercy and forgiveness that has created a forgiving heart within me. He has shown me that I have a voice and that I am special just for being me. He has shown me that I am seen and worthy because of Jesus. He has shown me there’s no pain heaven can’t heal. He has shown me that this life is worth living. He has shown me there no place I can go that isn’t first covered by him! He has given my heart a secure place where I’m loved, seen and known.

His love and overwhelming peace was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. I felt NEW. Like a new Libier that had been truly forgiven for all, she’d done and had been done to her! “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Through these past seven years, my life has transformed into something I never thought possible. A life of freedom from all the shame and condemnation I felt. All of the sudden I was able to love my life and myself in a way I had never experienced before because I belonged to Christ!

“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:5

Through all the messiness of my prayers being answered, because it really hasn’t been easy, God has remained the one thing that keeps me clinging to his word and hope. He reminds me that I will be victorious over all the circumstances of my life! I asked God to heal me and that he is doing. But the healing has come through the intense pain I finally allowed to surface. I would always buffer my pain with some substance to not feel the terrible feelings of grief, loss, betrayal, rejection, hurt, fear. My father is now sober by the power of Christ, but he was an alcoholic my entire childhood and most of my grown-up life, so I vowed to myself I would never drink…. Except for when things got really tough these past six years and I started facing some extreme pain from my own past. I began to drink a few glasses of wine a night so I could feel calmer. Well. That translated into bottles and when I thought there wasn’t a problem…. There was a problem because I couldn’t’ stop on my own. The alcohol felt too good to my shattered heart. The alcohol provided a shame-free space for my soul where I wasn’t FEELING all the feelings all the time. Except for the next day when those overwhelming feelings along with a stupid headache and the consequences of my addiction would reap in my life. See, I believe alcohol is a cheap substitute for the love of Christ in our lives. He is the NEW WINE that we can drink without having shattering consequences in our lives the next day. Knowing who we are in Christ is what gives us the freedom to be exactly who we are, shamelessly and he gives us the courage necessary to not need the approval of men and to “walk worthy of the call he has for our lives.” Ephesians 4:1 Jesus has approved us and that’s all we need! Jesus and his love will truly change and transform any part of you that you’re ashamed of. His love is so deep that he can see your darkest self and LOVES YOU STILL. He, however, has the POWER you need to change. We can only go so far with our own strength and will.

My husband brought the drinking up to me as an issue and I became extremely defensive. That’s when I knew I had a problem only Jesus could help me with. I loved Jesus and I loved myself and my family too much to not be brave about letting go of this stronghold in my life. So I prayed God would strengthen me with his Holy Spirit to not crave alcohol. That when the pain came and I felt triggered, I would run to Christ instead of a drink. And so my sober life and my freedom began. If I can do it, anyone can! It’s through God’s power that we can transform, and little by little he makes us more like him. I am so grateful for all the hardships in my life. I’ve become quite the woman because of them. They have transformed me into someone with hope and hope NEVER FAILS!

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

I pray you find hope in your life, beloved friend. Wherever you are at. I pray for freedom and hope!

I’m in recovery. In recovery of all that the enemy has come to take from me. My identity. My sanity. My sober judgment. My confidence. My courage. My inspiration. My art. My love and joy. My strenght. My peace. My hope.

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