2019 Was A Hard Year - The Lessons Learned
Goodbye, 2019! Hello, 2020; a fantastic fresh start!
Was 2019 hard for you? If so, this post is for you! This year was one of the hardest years of my life so I’m with you! I don’t know what you felt challenged by in 2019, whatever it was I’m so sorry beloved, friend. I’m here to hurt with you and hold space for your soul. My prayer is that you’d find the treasure in this year rather than hold on to any bitterness. My prayer is that God will heal you and help you overcome!! Hard times are just that. HARD. Know that you’re not alone and there’s hope for you! I believe that there are seasons of life and everything eventually does pass and we move on to the next. However, when we are going through challenging times, it’s comforting to know someone else is going through similar things and are coming out the other side, so we can have hope! I pray this post encourages the end of a painful chapter in your life and gives you hope and vision for a new season full of wonder!
Some seasons are really hard. Some are super chill. Some are absolutely amazing. Some are shattering and despair sets in like a friend you didn’t ask for. It sets in your heart and you feel everything crashing down and feeling like you have no way out. 2019 if I could describe it in two words, I would say it was; despair and hopelessness. My constant prayer throughout 2019 was “God give me hope because I don’t see how this could ever become better. God give me hope because right now I feel like giving up.” In God’s incredible mercy and power he decided to give me rainbows. Just in the most random places. Rainbows to give me hope that there was a promise attached to this pain. Rainbows to brighten my heart in the midst of the days when the despair felt so heavy I couldn’t physically walk. Rainbows to give me courage and hope that God knew how I was feeling and that there WAS a plan for this painful season.
When we lose something important to us, it’s absolutely necessary to give God the time to heal our hearts. Just like with a broken bone you don’t just get to use that part of your body when it goes through the trauma of breaking. When we go through emotional hardships our heart also needs a little cast and time to heal. Sometimes that healing happens through so much pain we are afraid of it and want to distract and buffer so badly because we hate what we feel inside. I would encourage you to face the pain. To turn towards it not away from it. The feelings you feel are temporary and as you process difficult emotion soberly, you’ll start to realize there’s nothing you can’t overcome with the love of God!
2019, a year of courageously feeling my heart broken to pieces and choosing moment by moment to not buffer with alcohol, food, sex, or other things that will make me “feel” better for a moment, but yet earn bad consequences. I didn’t do it perfectly. Some days I still buffered, more than others but you know what, it wasn’t as heavy as it would’ve been a few years back. I also noticed that instead of self-sabotaging I gave myself a lot of compassion and self-care throughout the year. I noticed the moments I wanted to not get ready and stay in PJ’s all day, I made it a point to get myself more dressed up and do my hair and makeup. I promised myself I would move my body with exercise for the sake of my mental health and this was a game-changer! I joined an amazing gym where I felt encouraged to go for the sake of my soul and it has helped me process a lot of these crazy emotions of grief! I gave myself more great foods that not; and when I wanted to eat a bag of chips, I gave myself compassion rather than shame or blame. Being compassionate to myself helped me to not slip back into using bulimia as a coping mechanism for my big emotions. I felt so much pain but I also felt so much growth from my younger days. When my mind offered me to just give up and not wake up and be part of society, I would combat that with, “What if I just get up and do something for an hour.” That hour turned to five than I would realize that I had gotten out of bed and been productive more than I had set. I replaced thoughts like, “I am not a good enough (insert whatever title here..woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend)” With, “I’m human and I’m learning.” These little steps were all given to me by prayer from God. I know He has helped me journey through the hardest year of my life like a champ. A “whole champ” who is giving her all and is 100% worthy of love (because of Jesus) and still a huge mess.
This year through the hardships, I’ve gotten to know Jesus’s truth and grace a little bit deeper than ever before. What a gift to be covered by his love!
2019 Was A Hard Year - The Lessons Learned
Some days when I felt incredibly sad, I did stay in bed. Somedays when it felt like too much, I did buffer. Somedays when it was necessary, I just cried and let all my emotions out. In times when I felt lonely, in darkness and in pain, I had an awful attitude and did things I felt ashamed of. I did walk away from the pain with distractions. I did sin and did make so many mistakes. But I also went to the feet of Jesus more than ever before. I repented quicker and I asked God for HIS Holy Spirit to strengthen me next time! I can’t do it on my own in my own strength. Sweet surrender. I realized that Jesus is the only place I can take my pain to where there are no bad consequences for my actions. He can walk me through big emotions. He understands them more than anyone. In his arms, I’m free to just feel everything unfiltered. And he holds space for the pain. He understands the pain. He doesn’t minimize my situation.He doesn’t gossip or rumor about me. He makes no rude comments or tells me to “just get over it”. He doesn’t blame me or shame me. He doesn’t turn a deaf ear to my cries. He isn’t some quick fix that just doesn’t satisfy
He heals me as I’m experiencing all of my feelings, especially the uncomfortable ones. He comforts my soul and gives me a place to stand, to sit or to lay in his quiet love. He helps me surrender to the pain I thought would kill me. He gives me strength and hope in the valley. He was crucified for me and that shows me he never left me in his own darkness so he won’t leave me in mine. He shows me sometimes seasons are just tough. Sometimes years are just hard. Sometimes I am just really broken, and that’s okay. He also shows me that nothing can separate me from his love. He shows me that I can go through the pain and come out the other side better than before. He shows me that with him, nothing on this earth can happen to me that he can’t work out for his good. Even in the midst of the darkest hour of 2019 he held me and assured me that there was a promise attached to this pain. A promise of freedom from toxic lies that said I was not worthy of love and connection. The lies that held me captive as I believed I wasn’t safe, had no belonging and didn’t matter. His love has helped me to know, I am redeemed through his love and sacrifice for me, I am safe even when hardships hit (which they inevitably will). In his love, I belong, and in His mercy, I mattered to him so much as to die a death he didn’t deserve so that I could live my life and have an abundance of joy. I now have a newfound appreciation for Jesus my savior. He has held my hand with his word this year and has given me hope in times of extreme darkness.
Beloved friend, I pray that if you find yourself in a year of despair that you’d throw yourself to Jesus. Give him all your pain, shame and fears. He won’t disappoint you! I promise that all the pain you’re feeling will turn into double the joy. There’s a promise attached to your pain. You belong to Jesus and if you belong to him, you belong anywhere! There’s a purpose for your life and you matter!
Happy New Year! 2020. Here we proclaim: the best is yet to come.
