My Father Passed Away | Grieving The Long Battle With Cancer
Grieving The Long Battle With Cancer
My father died on my daughter’s seventh birthday last month. I am feeling a little numb right now but I want to write all that I lived so I never forget what I learned and how mightily God moved through our lives. “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
My father had been battling stage four brain cancer diagnosed in February. He had bone cancer diagnosed a few years back and prostate cancer diagnosed over a decade ago. We knew it was coming……. But somehow my heart feels so much pain through the waves of grief that my bones and body shake at the thought of him gone and out of our lives. I still question whether it is true that it actually happened. I feel stunned and very weak. Knowing about a loved one’s certainty of death can be overwhelming and I sometimes felt like I had a head start to grief, but I wasn’t anticipating the shock and the pain my heart would inevitably feel at the loss of my father and best friend.
In all the waves of intense grief, there’s been heavenly relief; For every wave of grief, there’s been a balm of comfort. Through the smile of a loved one. The text of a friend. The call of a sister. The food of a neighbor. The flowers of a choir director and friends. Running into beloved sisters on the running trail at the perfect time. I’m telling you, we know not how great the power of the almighty God is to comfort his people until we are under trial. He gets into the mess with us leaving us in awe of his infinite love and grace. His miraculous power of knowing just how much it hurts and being interested enough to want to hold space for our pain.
Wednesday, May 20, 2020 I woke up and got myself ready to go on a run since running has been my saving grace during this lockdown period and extremely stressful situation of my father being in and out of the hospital with medical emergencies for the past few months. Running has given me a way to cope that is fruitful and not toxic. So I woke up and put my running shoes on. I texted my brother who just had received a hospice bed in his home to care for my father, as his doctor made the difficult decision of no more medical interventions for Martin. I asked my brother what I could help with. He said he needed more sheets because he used up all the linens last night on a horrible night. So off I went with my best sheets so my dad could be comfy. When I got to my brother’s house I quickly saw my father in a greatly different state than the day before. He was no longer talking. I told my brother to get a little nap while we waited for hospice to come. For an hour I watched over my daddy’s delicate body. He was so little. He was so vulnerable. He was really uncomfortable and I knew he was so tired because he didn’t sleep all night so I covered him up in the soft blue blanket and I held his right hand. He did something so interesting and held my thumb like a baby who’d just been born as he struggled to get comfortable. Seven years ago, May 20 I gave birth to my second daughter on this very day. It felt incredibly synonymous, I realized that both Life and death are a part of life and I need to not be scared of death, if you think about it, our last day is absolutely ordained by the Lord with him writing the best exit date for each of us to go home because we’ve finished our time on earth, if God takes the breath away from our nostrils it means our purpose here is done, and to me death became a beautiful thing witnessing it firsthand with my daddy. It was painful and beautiful all in the same breath. I realized death is but a new beginning in eternity living our true lives in the presence of God. What a gift to be able to hold both the life of my daughter and the death of my father on the same day.
As I waited for the hospice nurse to get there, I wanted to comfort my dad in the best way I knew how, so I went full mom mode on him. I sang, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to him belong They are weak but he is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.” about the fourth time around he started responding to the soothing sounds of that precious song and he looked more at peace and began to fall asleep. If I stopped singing he would throw the blanket off and we’d start all over again. I stood by his side for an hour like this. Having no idea that just hours later the end of his purpose on this earth would come. His last breath felt on my cheek would be the last breath he would take.
When the hospice gentleman came he noticed my dad’s vitals really were low and told my brother and me that my father was eminent. That in their experience, when someone was at this stage, it would be a top seven day period from their passing. He stayed and continued to help us make my dad as comfortable as possible. I’ll spare you the details but it was not easy things to see your loved ones this sick. I never thought I would have the strength to see what I did, but the Lord always equips at the time of our need! The hospice nurse was literally an angel from God! He was so kind and made this difficult process so much easier! I was so grateful for him!
After we got my dad comfortable, the house felt so peaceful, it was just my brother, the hospice nurse, my father and I. We all knew that our biggest goal was to help this man be comforted for his last days on earth. The hospice nurse told me that even though my father wasn’t responding that his hearing would be the last to go, so to continue to talk to him and help him feel familiar. So I started singing my little heart out. I sang to him my favorite worship song, by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend.
“In Christ alone, my hope is found he is my light my strength my song my cornerstone my solid ground Firm through the fiercest drought and storm. NO power of hell no scheme of man could ever pluck me from his hands. For I am his and he is mine, here in the power of Christ I stand.”
After I sang the song, I noticed a tear from my father’s eye and I knew it was either hurting his ears or blessing his heart. Then my brother and I sang my dad a Mexican song we’ve sang in our family for years, as the tears rolled down my cheeks and I allowed the song to minister to both my heart and my dad’s I realized how powerful music is to us! What a blessing to give my dad a mariachi concert as he journeyed into the presence of Jesus! At the end of the 11th hour, my father breathed his last breath. When I tell you it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. To have had the honor to see him go in peace. I knew my father was going to heaven because he and I prayed for his salvation in February and the bible says that you only need to profess with your mouth that Jesus is the lord and savior of your soul. I witnessed him resting in absolute peace. No more suffering no more pain. For him at least.
We are left in our grief and sorrow. Now as a month has gone by, I have been through the grief of loss and it’s been some of the most intense emotional pain I’ve ever felt. Wow! How complex grief is. My saving grace is knowing I can access Jesus and his perfect comfort at any time and that my dad in my heart whenever I need him and to remind myself of all the courage he instilled in me. My dad and I only had a good relationship for the last few years of his life because we both took the courage to talk about the hard stuff. It wasn’t easy to open up to my dad and even seek an emotional relationship with him but what I do know is that it was the best decision of my life to forgive him and to give God the opportunity to make beauty from ashes. And that God did. He gifted both my dad and me with a beautiful story that we now get to cherish for the rest of eternity. My father’s death has really impacted me in truly understanding what matters most to me in this life. Jesus. My family and friends and then the other relationships that God gifts me with. When we die, we take NOTHING material with us but our legacy of how we impacted the lives of others. It is something worth thinking about and focusing on because it’s so easy to get distracted by this world. But I’m committed to bettering my family’s legacy by focusing on healing as much as I can, so I can serve and impact the lives of people around me like my father did. And I pray that the ripples of hope, joy, and peace would touch my children’s children and generations to come.
I Made A DIY Glass Cross For Our Wall As A Memorial To My Dad
Thank you so much for reading. Know that I’m trying the best I can to come back to regular mode, but my heart is still a little raw. I appreciate your patience and your support!
