Confused and Frustrated | Quarantine Journal

Do you feel confused right now? A little off your game and entirely frustrated with the new norm that is setting in? I feel like I’ve been in quarantine for a year right now. It hadn’t hit me this hard till today. I’ve been keeping busy organizing my closet, cleaning, baking, making dishes that I didn’t know how to before, teaching my children as much as I possibly can. Taking frequent moments for self-care and exercise and I’ve even gone as far as to put self-tanner on. Not because I’ve got anything to do but just because I miss feeling normal. My mind wants to think that safety and peace belong in the life I knew way back where circa four weeks ago. But the truth of the matter is I have the capacity to access all of those feelings right here and right now. I have used great thoughts to feel even-keeled for the most part but today I just broke down. And you know what? Sometimes it’s quite okay to feel the weight of something in its absoluteness. Sometimes I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling until I verbalize it either talking to my husband or writing to you guys. I’m honestly feeling so many feelings right now that I feel overwhelmed. I’ve always wanted to have a blog so that I could be real with you, beloved friend. And after a while, it' became more of a job than a true blog. I miss when I could just come on here to talk about my day without thinking about S.E.O. strategy and who would possibly want to read my rants about how I’m feeling. Well. This is a blog, isn’t it? When did I lose sight of that? I don’t think I'll make much sense today but it’s possible that you might not need me to come up with a strategic way to impress you. Maybe what you need right now is a friend. who is also as confused and frustrated with all the ways this Corona Virus is impacting your life as well. I guess I want you to know you’re not alone in whatever way your feelings are showing up today.

I miss my life. I miss going to Sephora and just playing with all the makeup. I miss going to a store and feeling fabric in my hands. I miss going to a coffee shop to write my blog and talk to random strangers without feeling like they are thinking I might be contagious or vice versa. I miss my kids having a normal day at school and having a bit of some quiet at home. Although I won’t lie, I am having so much fun with them home because they are delightful human beings. I am delighting in seeing my husband’s kind eyes all day long. I am grateful for life itself right now, but at the same time, I miss our normal life. I miss the feeling of freedom. I miss hugging my friends and I miss going to choir practice. I miss my dad and caring for him through his chemotherapy. I miss feeling the momentum. I feel stuck right now at times and I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. And at the same time, I feel an absolute sense of peace and excitement at what character and good things this stuck season will provide our world. I do believe with all my heart that hope is alive in Jesus and we will be victorious in the end. I don’t believe that this is the place we’ll be in a few months and we might look back at these times as times of such tenderness and intimate growth of our faith. We might look back and be sad we didn’t just enjoy the time “off’. We might look back and wish we could have another go at paying attention to the things that truly matter. We might look back and wonder, why was I in such a hurry to get back to the scurry of it all? Don’t you find yourself in a precarious place of being at the end of your ego and the beginning of surrender? Don’t you find yourself in a moment of really digging deep at that desire of your heart to be known and be loved just for who you are and not what you can do or produce? I wonder what this season will yield for me and you, friend.

I’m praying for all of us to be still and know God is still here. I’m praying for all of us to be grace-filled with ourselves and one another as we navigate such uncertainty. I love you, friend. You’ve been such an important part of my journey and I believe in you. I don’t have all the answers but what I do know is this. “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete.” (Philippians 1:6)

I’ll see you soon!