Good morning, family! How are you? This morning is a little tender for me, I am writing to you in a state of heavy emotional pain but, I pray and hope that somehow, God will use this to help you cope with any hardship you're enduring. 

I love this scripture God so gently led me to, today. 

Psalm 46:5  "God is within her (him), s(he) will not fall; God will help her (him)  at the break of day."

I love looking up the meaning of words or sayings. Especially if they are in scripture and I want a deeper meaning to God's word. This morning as I was going through a terrible episode of PTSD, I turned to scripture, my medicine, and saw this verse. It's funny because of myniece last night "randomly" sent me the beautiful art work, you see here. Thank you, Samantha, it's so beautiful!
I knew I wanted to use it for my blog and here we are, now, God is helping me with this verse! I love the mysterious ways in which He works! He always knows what I'm going to need.

Psalm 46:5  "God is within her (him), s(he) will not fall; God will help her (him)  at the break of day."Okay, Back to the saying, break of day, It is described as this: To (“burst out of darkness.” ). 

Before, the scripture confused me because I know that I've gone through many circumstances in life where I feel like I AM falling. HARD. ON MY FACE. So as I prayerfully explored the scripture, God showed me what this meant for me, right now. In Him, I will not fall so deep that He can't catch me, and when He catches me, He will deliver me from the darkness. I can be free to suffer the things that have caused me emotional pain, without fear that I will fall so deep into a depression that I will never come out. I believe one of Satan's favorite lies to keep us from really experiencing authentic healing in Christ, is that we will not be able to handle our own feelings about a painful situation, soberly. Believe you me. I have all the evidence in the world that we can go through very difficult emotions with God and come out even better than we were before. I am sitting typing this today, having gone through a couple of years of this on my road to recovery. Not easy. But it is what I contribute to the freedom I experience in my life now. It is what I contribute to the miracles I've experienced and it's what I contribute to my passionate love for Jesus and His favor in my life. 

 This weekend marks the 11th and 9th anniversary of my beautiful mother attempting to take her own life. She in a state of despair herself, could not bear with her pain and both years tried to end it all. I thought my mother was dead for three straight days, the Doctors said she would never wake up and if she did she'd have severe brain damage since she had lost so much oxygen. She was my first real prayer as an adult. After a few days into her coma, God brought her back to life, He wasn't finished with her yet.  She tried again two years later and the same thing. Miracles! At that time I didn't know God. I didn't love Him. I wasn't a Christian and I certainly didn't trust in Jesus, heck, I didn't even believe He was real. I don't know about you, but when God so deliberately answers prayers like that, He catches our attention, at least He caught mine. I started to believe that maybe I wasn't really all alone in this world.

It's been a while now since all of this happened and  I thought that I had dealt with all the trauma and pain, but I was wrong. What I was doing was minimizing my pain for the sake of not dealing with my issues. I am actively walking out my salvation from the terrible wounds, right as we speak. I KNOW that keeping all that pain inside will do my life no good. I haven't wanted to deal with the fear and pain associated with the trauma because I thought it would be too painful, too messy. Believe it or not, I act on this wound every day. My feelings of inadequacy, not feeling enough for anything or anyone, my anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorder and on and on, stem from this infected wound that hasn't had the balm of the perfect love of Jesus on it. I definitely don't still struggle with all the things I described, God has healed a lot of those over the course of these three years, however, He showed me I was still wounded in this area and He required all of my fight to get to the other side with Him, to be able to experience  true freedom. I've been holding on because I was afraid of what I would find if I looked at this wound square in the face. I was afraid to go back to having panic attacks every week and putting my family through a rough time again as I had in 2014 when I was healing from being sexually abused.

What I have seen is a very painful place. What I have seen is a very broken girl, what I have been in and seen is darkness. But it is there that God has proved to me that He will help me at the break of day, at the crossroads of darkness and light, He will be there pulling me out from under that wound. I will feel like crap for a while because He's stirring up a lot of difficult emotion, but He will heal it and it will become a scar that won't hurt or harm me or my relationships any longer. He will turn all my pain into double the joy and give me hope to continue walking it out even when I can't even crawl it out. 

God is telling me, "You are not falling into a pit f despair, you are in a pit of despair, you are in the dead of the night, and Jesus can reach in and grasp your right hand tightly. If you can focus your gaze on his eyes, He will pull you out and allow you to 'burst out of the darkness' never again allowing you to fall so deep into the pit, so long as you abide in Him and He in you. Darling, you can do difficult things without having to distract yourself with being busy, or medicate yourself with coffee, alcohol, prescription medicine, or recreational drugs, not even through perfectionism,  sexual immorality,  shopping or self-harm. All those things are cheap substitutes to the loving presence of Jesus, who can heal all wounds. "

Psalm 46:5  "God is within her (him), s(he) will not fall; God will help her (him)  at the break of day."

I know I will become free through the pain and into my God given destiny! I will arise stronger, more courageous than before

I didn't understand her then, I do now. Life is hard. I have been able to feel love and compassion for her that has soothed a lot of the anger I felt toward her. I can't control her or make her believe how loved and beautiful she is. However, I can heal as much as I can, so that her life will mean victory over despair and hopelessness. I love you mama. I always did, and I always will.