TRIGGER WARNING THIS POST SPEAKS ABOUT SUICIDE

Hello, beloved friend.

I’m feeling so raw at this time. My mother tried to commit suicide multiple times in my twenties, her attempt anniversary is coming up. Oddly it was always at the end of February. She is still alive by God's miraculous power, and she is doing much better now. Jesus is in her heart and I can see the vast changes He is doing in her life! Our relationship is being restored day by day, by the miraculous grace of Jesus. However, the traces of her suicide attempts impacted me and made me hurt inside in so many ways. Those attempts have left a MARK SO DEEP and painful that parts of me don’t seem to function the way I used to. I still find it challenging to deal with a lot of grief. Sometimes it feels silly to still be impacted by something that happened so long ago. I’m learning to trust the process and let God guide my journey. Now that I know Jesus, every February, I make it a point to ask him to heal me even deeper because I know he has done so much for and in me; but I am still a HUGE work in progress.

BEFORE JESUS started healing me: I felt so uncertain of EVERYTHING. I always checked my phone to ensure I wasn’t receiving a chilling phone call about her. Even though I was the one who found her; twice. I was the one who had to make that chilling call to my family in my early twenties. Even though it’s been years since her very last attempt, the trauma of her choices has left me riddled with anxiety, PTSD, and at times when I didn’t know Jesus, HOPELESSNESS. This month for me is super hard to navigate. I am hurting so bad right now and it’s because of Jesus that I can have an anchor to my sadness, trauma, and grief. And most importantly I have found that he has given my pain purpose! I am also so grateful for a God who understands my pain and holds it in his hands without judgment.

Although it’s been a long time, I still carry the weight of going through that with my mom, and what it did to me as a person. How it challenged my SAFETY and TRUST. How it messed with my joyfulness and carefree attitude. How it squandered my hope (before Jesus). How it made me jaded and feel like I needed to be on guard and worry at all times. It was the oddest feeling to feel so much love for my mother and also feel so angry with her. I knew she was struggling and I didn’t want to feel that towards her. But that was my experience. I needed to learn what my emotions were teaching me. Now that I’ve worked in therapy for a long time about this I have processed so much of that complex grief. Now I have eyes to see her the way God sees her. I have compassion for myself and for her in a way that enables me to forgive and accept all of our stories. Shame has no room in here anymore.

I love my mom so much, I never wanted her to suffer in the way I saw her suffering. I wished I could take her pain away. But I couldn’t. So instead of staying in my feelings of helplessness and powerlessness; I started to PRAY for her and had faith that she could be healed through Jesus’ POWERFUL LOVE. Here’s the saving grace in this all. God has a plan of redemption for her and me. The enemy stole my innocence, he stole my security and my identity with all the complex trauma I’ve faced. But you know what he can’t take from me? My hope, my living hope in Jesus Christ. He also can’t take the JOY I feel even through the heartbreak of healing all the impact of my mom’s actions. The Lord knows how to make beauty out of ashes and he alone can give me healing from all the suicide attempts that stole my feeling of freedom and peace.

For so long I was a SLAVE to fear of her trying again. I thought the only way I would ever find freedom and peace if she died or was miraculously healed from everything going on with her. But then God showed me through his word that I could be FREE NOW, not when an outside circumstance changed. SHE COULD STAY THE SAME and my circumstances could BE THE SAME; but if I chose to change with Jesus; then EVERYTHING would change. I am forever grateful to the Lord for learning and applying this amazing concept into my life because it’s saved my mental health. And I can benefit from it in every aspect of my life!

I no longer entertain thoughts about my mother living or dying. I pray for her and picture giving her to THE MIGHTY HANDS OF GOD.

Then I redirect my thoughts to:

“I am not responsible for the life or death of anyone.”

“I am my own person and have control over my own heart and mind.”

“God can help me with all that I am feeling and experiencing.”

“I am free to take care of myself.”

“The Lord will help her and me, he is strong for the both of us.”

I pray this podcast episode and blog encourages your heart if you are going through a hard time or have experienced a trauma that has left you hopeless.

May you TRUST IN JESUS, even through your grief.

I love you so much. Have a beautiful day!