Photography by: Tori Wible

I haven’t written to you in a while just from my heart. And I realized it had been a while since I had written an inspiration piece. To be honest with you my heart has been going through so much grief. So much pain the past year with my dad dying of cancer, my mom being super sick, covid, some other family struggles we faced and it has felt a little overwhelming. But today is the day I just want to write on this blog to write.

My husband’s prayers have helped me and our family. If I ever come to him with any challenge he always has been so faithful to pray for me. It’s changed my life. Thank you Doug for your 13 years of prayers. I know prayers don’t seem to do much, but they have truly transformed me and I would love to cover you i prayer!  

Today I want to encourage anyone out there who is going through grief.

I am a survivor of complex trauma. I’ve been in and out of therapy so that I can learn to cope with the aftermath of all that I went through. It’s not until you become an adult that these things really hit you because you see it from a newfound perspective. And I think to be quite honest that some of us have seen the reality of life and how challenging it can be and it just feels discouraging. Trust me when I say I have never truly wanted to take my life because I would never do that to my family I know a little too closely what it’s like when someone you love tries to commit suicide (all in my book) but I have been so low in my depression that I have felt the absolute grief of desperation and hopelessness. Just pain so deep that you don’t even want to move.

God has helped me overcome so much. And if he’s helped me I know he is going to help you. Whatever your situation is today, beloved friend, I know a miracle worker who has never failed me and won’t fail you! Jesus has given me hope in so many ways throughout my life, he’s used movies to inspire me, songs to relate to my pain, a person giving me a kind word, the right book at the right time, the right connection at the moment that needed it. I see my life and I am in awe. Literal awe of the wonders he’s done in my life and I feel so emotional because when I first started my journey of Faith I wasn’t sure I was cut out for “religion.” I was so dirty in my eyes. I was so shameful and not worthy of love and connection (in my eyes that’s how I saw myself).

I keep finding something happening recently that has blown my mind. I got a new shirt and I got a stain on it. I got new white bedding and somehow still had peanut butter on my hands from breakfast and I got our brand new duvet cover, dirty. I just replaced my old dingy phone cover with a nice clear one and I accidentally got hair dye on it. It was making me so frustrated that everything I was getting was being stained. And then it hit me.

I have been so scared of a relationship with God because I’m afraid I won’t fit the bill and keep myself from sin. I have seen all the darkness within me and felt scared of God not accepting those parts of me. I’ve been told that God wants perfectness out of me. But to my thrill and joy, Jesus and his gospel love aren’t like that. See, I want to see myself as a whole and without stain. Well, in realistic terms that is not possible. When I gave my life to Christ he paid for all my sin. (Romans 5: 5-9) However, as my relationship with him matures what I know to be true is that I am still a human who will get “dirty” with my sin and lifestyle every day (that bothers the pharisaical tendencies in me) because it means I must run to the cross moment by moment and let Jesus wash over me with his Righteousness. I must turn towards him when I do fall short even when it’s the opposite direction that I want to run, ashamed of knowing and loving him and STILL being unable to be perfect in my own flesh.

I honestly don’t even know if this post made any sense. I’ve been so focused on being a better blogger and doing things the right way that I have lost sight a little bit of just being real with you. SO even if this blog didn’t make sense to you, I hope it did one thing, I pray that it would inspire and encourage you to not be so hard on yourself for not getting it perfect in any area of your life. I pray that when you make a mistake you run toward the heart of Jesus and not away from it. And I pray that you would know that no matter what you have done, Jesus forgives you and remember s your sin no more. (Hebrews 8: 2) A sign that you are maturing in your faith is when you ask for forgiveness quicker and more often, NOT when you pretend to not make mistakes and be “good” on your own terms.

A Prayer For Strenght In God

Jesus, I pray for my heart and the hearts of my friends. That you would help us see ourselves white, clean, and whole because of your sacrifice. That you would strengthen our faith when it is weak and that you would forgive us of our sin. We want to please you above all else, humble us because we know that you are tender and kind. Lord, I pray that you would cause the goodness within you to be the goodness that comes out of us so that others might see your glory. In your precious name, Jesus. Amen