Many years ago the thought of motherhood really frightened me. I truly didn't think I had it in me to be a mother.  Yesterday, I yelled at my daughter for interrupting me as I talked to the man who cut our Mexican fruit, in a cup. Moments like that really cater to that toxic belief that I'm not a good mother. After I yelled at her to give me space I saw the disappointment on her face and she quickly left my side to play on her own while I finished up. As I walked to the car with both of my children following behind me like little adorable ducklings, tears started to swell up as I took some bites of my spicy and lime infused fruit. My girls got in the car and I did the unexpected. I asked a mom who was getting her three children out of her car to give me a hug. I started going into an anxiety attack as so many emotions surged within me (a lot more than just yelling at my girl) and all I knew in that moment is that I needed a hug, from anyone. So I swallowed my big'ol pride and asked a mother I knew not, to give me a hug. She looked at me like I was crazy but to my surprise quickly saw I really did need her. She hesitantly gave me a hug and as we embraced, she got me. She knew it. I knew it. And then she said these words, "I would have never guessed you would need a hug from me, you look like you have it all together." To which I responded through snot and tears, "I truly don't. I'm experiencing PTSD an I need help." She began to lift my spirits by showering me with encouraging words. Then she told me to take her phone number down and I could call her anytime. We went from strangers in different worlds, to sisters, in a vulnerable heartbeat. Of course, yelling at my daughter wasn't the only thing troubling me. But the thought of failing as a mother is really frightening to me at times.  I'll tell you one thing. I am a good fit to be the mother God intended for my children to have, weakness and strengths!

10 Lessons I've Learned Being A Mom

1.-  My children are God's first and foremost, they belong to him and he loves them even more than I could ever possibly love them. I can trust him with them. And I often have to surrender them to God. 

2.- My children's lives are not my responsibility. Here's the catch. I am responsible to them (to love them, teach them and keeps them as safe as I possibly can) Not for them. I can not control their very lives for I'm not God, thank God, right?! If God was ready to take them home to him, I couldn't prevent it. Much of my anxiety around my children revolves around the fear that I'm going to allow something terrible to happen to them while they are on my watch. That it will be my fault if they experience pain.  I'm learning to accept there is both pain and great happiness and my children need both to know how to navigate this life. 

3.- I am not and will never be a perfect mom. What a relief, right!?

4.- I can be grateful for every circumstance where my weakness is begin displayed to teach my children that is the very reason why I need Jesus and that is the very reason I love Jesus! He helps me in my weakness! 

5.- Children are so quick to forgive! How simple it sounds to say sorry to our children, but it requires a humility of sorts that not many of us have in our own flesh. It's easier to not become vulnerable in the presence of our littles, but I believe it's life-giving to both!  It's been an honor to gift that to my girls. Telling them sorry and seeing their gorgeous little eyes peering straight at mine and hearing those beautiful words out of their innocent mouths, "I foogive you, mommy." I've asked for their forgiveness so much already that they've said those words to me more than I can count! 

6.- I can always, always, always be certain that even though I don't have a handbook to be a mother, I have access to my children's maker and I can ask for guidance and help to know how to guide them in the way they should go. I am always in awe of the direction God has given me, uniquely for both of my girls. 

7.-  We need each other. To Hug. To be honest and real. To hold space for. Not to judge our mothering styles or give advice when not asked for. I believe all of us who are mothering littles are on a unique journey to our lives and I've learned that I need to not try to impose what is working for me on anyone else. But we do need each other. To Hug. To encourage. To love. To respect.

8.- I don't know much. That I do know. I can always learn something from a book, someone else's experience. A bible verse. I can always be learning. 

9.- I don't have to carry the pressure of being a (fill in the blank) mom. I can decide every day that in that moment I am enough. If I don't believe it no amount of anything will make me feel it. 

10.- Putting myself first isn't bad. It is necessary for me to give the best of myself to my family. This is something I am still learning and working on letting go of feeling guilty for taking care of myself. 

BONUS LESSON: I'm learning to enjoy the moment. Even through the mess I am comited to enjoying and being present for my children are a present from the Lord. 

I hope you feel loved through these words, my beloved friend. Know that there is nothing you can't do without God. If you're feeling overwhelmed he can carry your burden. I encourage you to be all of yourself today! May your spirit shine bright! Thank you for reading!